Sunday, January 2, 2011

This Just In: I'm Still 32

Happy 2011, from the Attic! My apologies for the delay, but holidays are a very busy time outside of the attic, and try though I did, I couldn't escape to my zen hideaway, where I'm no one and nothing but a writer here for your amusement and my own. In other news, I'm still 32, and I've found even more supporting evidence to share. Why stop at five, when, say, eight is such a fun number? Without further ado, here are three additions to my previously posted list.

6. Karma, the spiritual principle learned about in high school world history, has proven itself to be a very real law of the universe. Why else, for example, after spending teenage years writing songs (and sometimes choreography) that poked fun of grown women with facial hair, would I now own three pair of tweezers, two bottles of Nair for the face, and various other "As Seen on TV" products advertised to remove peach fuzz from your face without allowing it to grow back as a goatee? P.S. They don't work. Just ask my barber.
     Karma example number two: Ask me how many times I said to my friends as a teenager, "Look how weird my stomach looks when I sit down! It's like...concave! It totally disappears. Isn't that weird?" knowing damn well it wasn't weird, and was a quality most girls coveted. This would karmically explain why I now have zero number of pants that fit me properly. Thanks to a combination of my girth and the shortness of my legs (Picture Tweedle Dee or Dum from Disney's "Alice in Wonderland", minus the propeller hat.) it is impossible to find a pair of pants I don't a) step on until  the hem rips or frays, b.) have to pull up every five seconds, or c.) look like I've switched genders in. It's a pain, but how could I think I don't deserve it, after flaunting that formerly bejeweled and concave breadbasket of mine? That's right. I once thought so much of my taught tummy, I actually pierced my naval. By the way, just so you know, those holes don't grow back like the earlobes do. They simply remain, de-dazzled, and yearning for the time when they saw the light of day.

7. I hate loud noises, most all arcade style video games, and anything that moves faster than my eyes can focus on it. Nearly every time my husband and I go out to eat I want to ask them to turn the music down so I can hear myself think, but I know I'll sound like an old fogy, so I just gripe to him and them unsuccessfully try to read his lips when he responds from across the table. Putting my reading glasses on helps.

8. Friends say, "I love you," when parting on the phone or in person. Why? Well, for one thing, we are becoming more confident in who we are, and we aren't embarrassed to admit our feelings. More fitting than that: at this point, we've all experienced loss. Fifteen years ago, most of us never considered what life could be like without each person in our immediate circle. Now, chances are, that circle is much smaller. Loss does not discriminate, and we've all been touched by it one way or the other. The upside is, we cherish what we have, and especially who we have, while we still can. 

Stay tuned, and tell a friend to subscribe to "Stories.." if you think it will make them smile, or laugh, or both! By the way, guess what I got for Christmas? Another spa gift certificate! Having learned from my past mistakes, I will be using this one ASAP, and I'm skipping the sumo scrub this time around. See, "Leapin' Leasure" if you don't know what I'm talking about. TTFN!


1 comment:

  1. I have tweezers in my car, by my bedside table, in both bathrooms, all of my suitcases, and even a pair in my living room. You are not alone!